What Happens When We Pit Women Against Each Other?

In South Asian households, the mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law narrative is a story we see repeatedly, but why does it persist? To understand this, we need to look at the broader family dynamics and the social conditioning that shapes women’s roles over generations.

Isolation and Attachment

When a woman is forced to navigate her marriage with an emotionally unavailable husband, she often experiences isolation. Unable to build a fulfilling relationship with her partner, she naturally attaches herself to her children, who become extensions of her own identity.

As children grow, build independent lives, and start families of their own, the woman may experience that sense of isolation all over again. She relives her trauma, feeling disassociated, abandoned, and alone. In an effort to reclaim control over her life—not over her children, but over her own sense of self, she struggles to redefine herself. Yet, this search for autonomy can feel threatened as her children’s independence represents a perceived loss of her own identity.

From Daughter-in-Law to Mother-in-Law

This transition carries enormous responsibility. A woman in this position faces a choice: process her trauma and seek understanding or therapy, or replicate the behaviors that once caused her pain.

Often, mothers-in-law exert power by dictating aspects of their daughter-in-law’s life, including her attire. This behavior is a reflection of cultural norms she was taught: the “proper” way to maintain family hierarchy and social expectations. By doing this, she reinforces the system she once suffered under.

This is commonly observed in patri-local family systems, practiced in many South Asian societies, where a woman’s independence is limited to maintain her relationship with her husband’s family. The arrival of a daughter-in-law can be seen as a threat to that bond, further normalizing control and emotional coercion.

Understanding In-Law Violence

When we view such dynamics through a social and public health lens, we see patterns emerge:

• Emotional violence: isolating the daughter-in-law, restricting her movements, controlling communication with her family.

• Control or coercion: limiting her ability to make independent decisions.

• Reproductive coercion: influencing or controlling her choices around children.

• Verbal abuse and degradation: intimidation, humiliation, and constant criticism.

• Domestic servitude: making her perform tasks to assert dominance.

• Economic control: restricting access to finances, monitoring expenditures, or appropriating income.

• Physical violence: documented cases include slaps, kicks, hair pulling, or other forms of harm, sometimes extending even to pregnant women.

Studies indicate that couples living in extended families experience three times more emotional violence than those in nuclear families, with the mother-in-law’s presence being a major contributing factor. Intergenerational cycles of abuse perpetuate when daughters-in-law eventually become mothers-in-law themselves.

Why These Dynamics Persist

While the prevalence of patri-local norms has declined in some areas, generational hierarchies continue to shape family dynamics. Domestic violence perpetrated by in-laws is a recognized public health issue worldwide, with emotional, economic, sexual, and physical dimensions. The abuse is often strategic and culturally reinforced, making it complex to address.

Yet understanding these patterns is critical. Recognizing the roots of in-law violence helps us question our own roles as mothers, daughters, wives, or family members, and the responsibilities and power dynamics we navigate in these relationships.

Breaking the Cycle

The goal here is not to target a single individual but to open a dialogue about systemic issues. Trauma does not have to be passed on. Recognizing patterns and making conscious choices allows us to live fulfilling lives—ones where emotional, psychological, and physical needs are met—and to offer the same respect and autonomy to others.

When we examine these dynamics critically, we realize that the mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law trope is more than a cultural cliché. It is a reflection of intergenerational conditioning, social expectations, and systemic control—patterns that can be disrupted if acknowledged and addressed.

Sarosh Ibrahim

Researcher

Dec 30, 2025

Photo Courtesy: Jalaluddin Ahmed, Art in Pakistan (Third Edition 1964)